The Rediscovery Of Self

Where do I start?!  I feel like I'm in this rediscovery stage of life.  My husband graduated school not quite 2 years ago, after our 6 year journey through school.  School life was hard.  Brett had to work, do homework, find some time to be with the kids and if possible with me too.  He was exhausted every day.  I was exhausted every day.  I had 5 pregnancies in a row, meaning 5 pregnancies in 5 years (though one only made it through the first trimester).  I felt every time I was pregnant I was a completely different person than when I had energy.  My kids had to bide their time by watching television constantly, making it difficult for them to get the proper excersize and attention they needed.  After Brett graduated, it took him a year and a half to recover.  His body was so exhausted the only thing he could do was fall asleep on the couch after dinner.

 It's ironic how you can go through life exhausted and then feel like you're not doing enough.  Life can be hard at times.  Why did we choose to endure through 5 years of no energy, painful headaches and body aches, basically in survival mode?  This endurance is what brings the fruits.  Let me explain..

Now, finally, we are coming out of the gall of bitterness and are beginning to taste the sweetness.  Is it because of a new house?  More energy?  No more studying?  No hard trials?  Sort of, but not necessarily.  As I reflect upon our experiences we have lived and learned.  What have we learned?  How to be happy despite our situation.  It took a while.  It took a lot of hard trials.  But it also took a lot of sweet experiences that we may not have had if we had chosen to take the "easy" route, or at least what may have appeared easier.  You know.. maybe things like giving in to the temptations that surrounded us.  Oh yes, there were many temptations -as there still are.  What were they?  Well, many times Brett was offered jobs where if he quit school he could earn a higher position at work.  I had many around me who tried to tempt me to finish school myself or focus on a career or not have as many children.  Many around us have the desires to gratify wants now, instead of saving.  Many have encouraged focusing on body and looks.  There are a lot of voices out there.  Most built on the foundation of self-gratification.  That building up self in money, position, social status is the thing to seek after, that it will bring ultimate happiness.  I love my friends, I love my neighbors.  I'm grateful for and value their perspectives.  Many of them have stood steady and haven't wavered to these kinds of temptations and I'm grateful for their examples to me.

But I know the face of the devil and it's not pretty.  He is so tricky, or so he thinks.  He hides himself behind some of the beautiful, rich, or strong-willed ones around me.  Why can he not trick me?  Or at least not yet?  (And I hope he never will.)  What he doesn't know is that his face is darkness.  Though he may think he's inspirational and lovely, he can only counterfeit the real one who is light and beautiful.

I am attracted to light.  I love it!  It makes me feel warm, it shows me truth and I feel happy when it is around.  Where is this light emanating from?  The Son.  I know him, because I talk to his father every day.  I read about him constantly.  He reveals himself to me through his best friend, the Holy Ghost.  I feel his warmth, his love, his happiness.  I love it, and I love him for it.  Not only can I feel his light, but it can be absorbed inside of me.  He can take darkness right out of me and replace it with his light.  So every time this devil tries to throw his dark sludge at me, all I have to do is turn towards the light and it fills my soul.  Jesus Christ is everything, because he is in everything.  All that is good.

Now I go back to my first sentence in this blog.  I said I feel like I'm in this rediscovery stage of life.  What am I finding?  I'm finding that when I lose myself in Jesus Christ, in his light, in his words, in his works, I find myself.  I know who I am because I can remember.  I can remember that I am his and he is mine.  I feel like the windows of heaven have opened so I have not enough room to receive it all.  It's overwhelming, but in a good way.  The blessings are like a flowing fountain bringing life and happiness.  Yes, I understand that I am in a season of rest and prosperity.  I know that life will become challenging again.  But I also know I will be riding on the waves of the sea of light.  My burdens will always become light when I am yoked with my master, Jesus Christ.  I hope in my journey of life I always hold on tight and never let go.  This is happiness my dear friends.  And I hope to be with him forever.

The invitation is open to you as well.  Join with me in the realms of eternal splendor!  Too good to be true?  Nope, you just have to see as he does and trust him with all your heart.  He will do the rest.  

*Note- on the picture- Yesterday we were at the temple and Elizabeth commented that in the center of the fountain was Jesus and that was us around him.  In this world of darkness, as the horizon, it may appear as light until we really see the light, then it all becomes clearer.  I feel like I'm in his little protected flock and his light glows within me.  I can share his light as well.  So awesome!!

P.S.- I want to make sure everybody knows I'm not saying it's bad to have a career as a woman or to focus on your body sometimes.  But as far as searching for happiness through these things, it just isn't lasting. When I focus on my motherhood and who I am as a daughter of God, then I am happy.  When I support my husband by allowing him to fulfill his role as a father and a son of God, then he is most happy.  If any questions, refer to http://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation